Category Archives: history

The Pilgrims Were Dicks: A Brief Exploration

This is one of those things that, as soon as you learn it, you assume that A) everyone else already knew it and B) you yourself have known it forever. But it occurred to me today that I did NOT, in fact, know this until recently. So, in case anyone doesn’t know this yet, I consider it my duty to implant this fact into your brain.

The Pilgrims were NOT fleeing religious persecution when they sailed on the Mayflower and founded Plymouth Colony.

This lie entered my brain at some point during my childhood and remained lodged there until I read the excellent American Nations a couple years ago.

Here is an imprecise, unsourced, truncated account of what happened:

There was this hella weird church group in rural eastern England in the late 1500s. They were basically a super-strict cult like group. Think like one of those american cult compound groups, basically. They were a sect of Puritans, but even bigger dicks than a lot of Puritans were.

Not surprisingly, all their neighbors hated them. It must have been like having the Westboro Baptist Church in your town. Ugh. So the surrounding, marginally less dickish people made life very difficult for this church of whackos. Eventually, the whackos were like “Fuck you, we don’t have to take this!” and they packed up their wives, children, and farming implements (?) and pissed off to the Netherlands.

What’s that? The Netherlands.

At the time, the Netherlands were the most liberal educated society in Europe. They had advanced commerce, a literate and artistic culture, and freedom of religion. So these Puritan assholes were like “fuck yeah! We can totally do our weird religion stuff here in the Netherlands!” and everything was cool for a like a decade or two, and the whole Plymouth thing almost never happened.

But then a thing happened that you and I can totally see coming, but those dickheads apparently couldn’t. Here’s a hint: The Netherlands were the most liberal nation in Europe. It was too freakin liberal for the Puritans! This is as if the Westboro Baptist Church relocated to San Francisco.

The church leader dudes were like “What the eff? What is this liberal decadence? They won’t let us hang people for breaking church law, and all our kids want to run away to Amsterdam and not be as big dickheads as we are!!”

So the Pilgrims packed up their wives, the children that had not yet run off to Amsterdam, and their farming implements (?), and they fucked off to the New World, where no one could stop them from forcibly keeping their kids in the church and hanging dissenters. Hooray!

The Pilgrims came to the Americas, not because they were seeking religious freedom, but in order to enforce their own religious laws and not have to put up with liberal pluralism.

And that is a truly impressive level of dickishness.